Elfie Obedience School
by Luimenel
Summary: A bunch of rabid fangirl authors' pet elves are misbehaving and the authors can't stand it anymore. Sounds like a job for J.R.R. Tolkien's Elfie Obedience School! R
1. Bad Elfies!

Elfie Obedience School  
By: Luimenel  
  
Author's note: Well, this has been an idea of mine for quite some time now and I finally got the time to write it.  
  
Disclaimer: I do own and elf, Fred, but not Middle Earth or anything else that came out of the brilliant mind of Professor J.R.R Tolkien. I also do not own Minnie or Pandora, they are real people who exist and also own elves.  
  
Bad Elfies!  
  
Audrey was having a terrible time with getting her dear sweet pet, Fred, out of her room so they could go on a walk.  
  
Fred, you need the exercise. You like nature and all that. Why don't we go for a nice walk?  
  
Now Fred was most definitely not an ordinary pet and Audrey was not an ordinary pet owner. Fred was Audrey's elf who she found in her closet and Audrey was a rabid fangirl author who enjoyed nothing more than a good old fashioned elf hunt. Audrey didn't know how Fred had gotten into her closet in the first place but was content with the fact that she had an elf of her very own and could do whatever she pleased with him, unless, of course, he was being difficult.  
  
No! I will NOT go on another walk! It is demeaning and I do not deserve such torture. Fred said while clinging to the door frame of Audrey's room while she pulled at his feet in a vain attempt to get him outside. I refuse to wear that horrid collar one more time and, plus, you never even take me to nice places on my walks.  
  
Audrey sighed and clicked her tongue in frustration. Fred, you are coming out of this room, putting on your leash and going for a walk if I have to drag you the entire way. Audrey looked thoughtful and changed her tactics, I'll give you some _lembas_.  
  
Fred perked up at the mention of his very favorite treat but then increased his grip on the door frame, remembering his last encounter with a walk.  
  
Audrey was growing irritated. Fred, I am taking you on a walk whether you like it or not  
  
No, I will not let go of this door until you promise to let me go back to Middle Earth. Fred was beginning to panic. He just couldn't let that rabid fangirl take him for a walk again, he just couldn't.  
  
Arg! Stupid elvish stubbornness. Audrey growled and stalked off looking for something else to entertain herself with.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Somewhere in a park in Sweden nearly the same thing was happening.  
  
Bob, No! Yelled Minnie. She was desperately struggling to restrain the elf she had on a leash by digging her heals in to the ground. Pandora, how are you doing with Chris?  
  
Pandora was having a similar problem with another elf at the end of the leash she was holding. Not so good, Minnie. I don't think they want to be out on a walk. Maybe we should take them home.  
  
said Minnie, If we do that they'll never learn. We just need something to make them stay while we teach them commands.  
  
Pandora looked around and spotted a particularly strong looking tree to tie Minnie's elves to. How about over there? It looks like it would be pretty darn hard for them to get away if we tie them to that.  
  
Oh no! Said Bob, in Sindarin. They are going to tie us to the tree! We have to get away! The two elves started urgently straining against their leashes but the power of the two rabid fangirl authors was too great for them. Minnie and Pandora led their elves over to the tree and quadruple knotted the leashes so there was no hope of the elves getting away, although they sure as hell tried.  
  
Bob pulled with all of his might and so did Chris but to no avail. The two sank back against the tree cowering. The two rabid fangirls seemed to tower over them.   
  
What first? asked Minnie, sitting, singing or proposing?  
  
Oooh, singing, said Pandora, They should already be good at it, now we just have to teach them to do it on command.  
  
said Minnie, Come on elfies, sing.  
  
Sing for mommy? pleaded Pandora.  
  
I'll give you an elfie treat.  
  
Chris, sing.  
  
Come on, Bob, sing for me.  
  
The two rabid fangirls coached for almost an hour but the elfies just clenched their teeth and looked stubbornly at the two authors.  
  
At the exact same time Audrey, Minnie and Pandora all threw up their hands in disgust and said, ARG! Why are you so disobedient?, and at the exact same time they disappeared.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Excuse me, have you signed in yet? A receptionist lady behind a desk asked the group that was clustered in the middle of a waiting room.  
  
Audrey looked up, Uh, no. Where are we?  
  
You are in the waiting room for the next Elfie Obedience seminar, taught by none other than the almighty Professor Tolkien, himself.  
  
said Pandora, how do we sign in?  
  
Sign in book, on the table. the receptionist pointed to a table with a book on it, so they figured that was about where they should be headed.  
  
The three elves hung back and clumped into a little group. Where are we? asked Bob.  
  
I do not know. said Fred.  
  
Perhaps we could escape. said Chris, sounding not at all sure of himself.  
  
No you couldn't. Said Audrey, We are authors and as authors we have supreme power over you.  
  
The three elves sighed and looked forlornly at the door. It was going to be another one of _these_ fics.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Author's note: Well, that is that. I need names of people to be in the class and pet elves for them to be trying to teach. I don't think that a class of three people would work very well. And, as always, please review. I would appreciate any reviews and if you review something of mine, I will review something of yours. It is a trade, review for review.


	2. Lesson One: Sitting

Elfie Obedience School  
By: Luimenel  
  
Author's Note: Wow, so many reviews. I don't know what to say except I would like to thank all the little people out there who made this possible. Thank you so much *breaks down sobbing* I love you all(in a strictly platonic way).  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the people appearing in this fic, except Audrey and Fred. I also don't own pepper spray or _Lembas._ I definitely do NOT in any way, in any form in any parallel universe own Professor J.R.R Tolkien. If anyone is horrified about the way I make him kinda evil to elfies in this fic, I am very sorry but I needed a teacher that would make sense._  
_  
Lesson One: Sitting  
  
Audrey, Minnie and Pandora were all sitting in chairs watching Fred, Bob and Chris respectively. All of a sudden the door burst open and in dashed four new girls with all with their own pets in tow. One girl was digging in her heals and trying to keep a baby griffin from lifting her off the ground. Another was dashing along trying to hide any and all ring suggestive or shiny pictures to keep her pet Gollum from going ballistic. The third girl came in with an elfie who was desperately trying to fight against his leash. Stop struggling, Joe. It will only make this collar tighter. The fourth girl came in dragging a particularly tasty looking hunk of elf.  
  
The four newcomers walked up to the receptionist who pointed to the sign in book and went back to cleaning her finger nails. All four newcomers signed in and walked over to sit next to the other three who were too busy trying to keep their elves from escaping to notice that there were people in the room besides themselves, their elves and the receptionist.  
  
said the girl with the griffin. My name is Naheka, and this is Spunky. she said gesturing to her griffin who was trying his very best to bite through his leash. Don't bother, Spunky, it's _mithril_, you'll never cut through this in a million gazillion years. She admonished her pet.  
  
Wow, a griffin, said one of the newcomers, I'm Sprite and this is Lexus my pride and joy. Lexus had been trying to saw through his leash with the knife he had concealed in his boot until Sprite noticed what he was up to, took the knife and placed it with several others inside her jacket. It seems this wasn't the first time that this had happened.  
  
The girl with Gollum dragged him over and looked at the other pets who were straining against their bonds. I'm Amarth, and this- she pointed to Gollum - is Gollum, my pet.  
  
The new elf looked over at Gollum and stalked over, dragging his owner with him. That is the little beast that we lost up a tree that night in the forest! Stupid little monster, almost bit off my leg and poor Legolas' father never did forgive him for not catching that _thing_. He said thing' as though he had just smelled something vile.  
  
The girl holding the end of his leash stepped in front of him. Bad Joe! No cookie for you. Now sit. Joe looked down at her like she was a raving lunatic. She ignored him and turned to Amarth, I am terribly sorry. Usually he is so well behaved. I just don't know what's gotten into him. I'm Rubi Granger by the way.  
  
Everyone shook hands with everyone else and the pets all crowded as close together as they could without choking themselves on their own leashes.  
  
Excuse me, the receptionist said, are those elves? she asked, gesturing at Gollum and Spunky.  
  
Um...of...course...they are...elves said Amarth.  
  
Yes, um..shapeshifting...elves! said Naheka.  
  
All right, said the receptionist, as long as they are elves you should be allowed in the class.  
  
All of the pets seemed more or less resigned to their fate, except Gollum who was rather in a world of his own. He was looking around the room and saying, Nassssssssty elvesessssss. We hatessssss them, Prrrecioussss.  
  
The other pets were slowly backing away from him and talking about things in hushed voices.  
  
Can you believe they think we are pets? Common animals! said Joe.  
  
Bob said, Well, not much we can do. We are rather helpless considering they have author's licenses and, well, we don't-.  
  
But we have to do SOMETHING-gaaah. Fred was interrupted from his thought provoking statement by a strong tug on his chain and a stern look from Audrey.  
  
The griffin, Spunky, growled his agreement.  
  
Chris looked cautiously at Minnie to make sure she wasn't listening then whispered, All right, I have a plan. Everyone listen. First we- Unfortunately for Chris he was interrupted by a bell going off and the door leading to the classroom swinging open. Every single pet was dragged across the floor and through the door whether they were standing or not. In Gollum's case he was dragged across the floor while muttering something about the yellow face and how it was watching usss precioussssss.  
  
Once inside everyone noticed the wise looking old man sitting behind a teacher's desk. Every single one of the girls ran over and stared in awe at, to them at least, the god of Middle Earth. Because the girls had forgotten momentarily about all of the pets at the ends of their leashes the poor assorted creatures were dragged along for the ride, most of them gagging and choking the whole way.  
  
Professor J.R.R Tolkien looked around. Please, take your seats. Tie your pets to your chairs so that they cannot escape or we will not be able to teach them very much. Tolkien then walked around with a packet of _Lembas_ for each of them. Once he was finished he returned to his desk. Those are to be used as rewards for good behavior. He rummaged through his drawer and pulled out six small cans of pepper spray. And these are to punish bad behavior.  
  
Once all of the rewarding and punishing implements were passed out God(or Tolkien to those of you that are less obsessed than me) sat back down at his desk. Hello everyone, welcome to Elfie Obedience School. By the look of things, we are having a simple, Creative Pet Obedience School. We will be learning how to get your pet to do what you want and, rabid fangirls rest assured, we will have proposing' as our final lesson. All those of you with non-elf pets may want to skip that one. Today our first lesson will be...Sitting. So everyone please make your pets stand up.  
  
Fred, Bob and Chris all stood up but Joe was trying to make a stand(no pun intended). He sat stubbornly on the floor until Rubi threatened him with the pepper spray. He hastily got up. Spunky was having a difficult time. He had become caught in his leash but eventually struggled his way into a standing position. Gollum stood up after being pulled to his feet by Amarth. He was still muttering about the yellow face.   
  
Once everyone was standing Tolkien surveyed the classroom. Very good. Now, please tell them in a firm voice to   
  
said seven fangirls.  
  
said five elfies.  
  
said one griffin.  
  
and said one Gollum.  
  
All right, said Tolkien, not bad for a first try. This time if they refuse to sit use the pepper spray.  
  
said seven fangirls.  
  
said five elfies and they sat reluctantly.  
  
said a griffin but he then sat down, eyeing the pepper spray.  
  
What has it got in it's pocketsess, Preciousssss? said Gollum. He did sit, but only after some enthusiastic shoving by Amarth.  
  
Very good, beamed Tolkien, now, give them some _lembas_ as a reward so they get the right idea.  
  
There was a loud rap at the door. Excuse me. said God and he got up to see who it was. He opened the door and looked out to see yet another fangirl with an elf struggling against his leash.  
  
Hello. My name is Elana and-stop struggling- my elf's name is Kevin. I'm here for the obedience seminar. I hope I'm not too late.  
  
Not at all, my dear. said Tolkien. Please have a seat. We were just beginning with sitting.  
  
Elana walked over to the desks and took a seat next to Audrey. she said.   
  
said Audrey.  
  
said Kevin.  
  
said Fred.  
  
Kevin scooted over to sit next to Fred. Why are we here? What's going on? And why can't I cut through this leash?  
  
Fred looked nervously at the fangirls who were paying rapt attention to Professor Tolkien. Well, we are elves. They are rabid fangirls who think we are their pets. We know we are not pets but they do not seem to care. If we don't do what they tell us now they will spray us with stinging stuff and there is nothing we can do about it because, using their author's licenses, they have gotten a hold of some _mithril_ leashes. In two words, We're screwed.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Author's Note: Tada! Chapter two, I certainly wrote that quickly. Usually it takes, like, a week for me to update. Not this time, though. I hope you liked my story and will review it. The offer still stands that if you review any one of my fics I will review at least one of yours. I also need more people for the class and suggestions for the plot(plot? what plot?) couldn't hurt.


	3. Coming, Staying and Escaping

Elfie Obedience School  
By: Luimenel  
  
Author's Note: I have gotten 22 reviews! And in response to my extremely anonymous(didn't even leave a name) semi-flame, this has to do with LotR because  
J.R.R TOLKIEN wrote LOTR. There are ELFIES in LOTR. RABID FANGIRL AUTHORS write about LOTR. And many of my RABID FANGIRL AUTHOR friends of mine have ELFIES that don't listen to them. Congratulations whoever you are, you get the Observant Award.  
  
Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings(which does have something to do with this fic) does not belong to me. Neither do any of the other people appearing in this fic besides Audrey and Fred.  
  
Lesson Two: Coming, Staying and Escaping  
  
We're screwed. said Fred, forlornly.  
  
said Kevin, I guess we are.  
  
Excuse me, ladies, said Professor Tolkien, but do you think you could keep your pets from distracting the other students from their lesson?  
  
Sorry, Professor. mumbled Audrey and Elana, It won't happen again. They then turned to their elves and, holding their pepper spray can's menacingly, said,   
  
The elves glared but quieted up because they really wanted to put off being sprayed with pepper spray for as long as possible.  
  
Professor Tolkien continued, As I was saying, we are receiving three new students today, Erin, Michael and Leanne. Come up to the front and tell us a bit about yourselves.  
  
Two new girls and one boy walked up to the stand next to the desk. The first girl stepped forward, Hi, I'm Erin and this is my elf, John. Say hello', John. John clenched his jaw and glared.  
  
Welcome to our class, Erin and John. Please choose a desk and sit down. Leanne, would you like to tell us a bit about yourself?  
  
The other girl stepped forward dragging her elf. Hello, I'm Leanne and this is Bramble. Um, ya I think that's it.  
  
And, Michael, that is a very interesting pet you have there. Wherever did you get it?  
  
said Michael, I kinda just found him. His name is Spot. He's a dragon in case you didn't notice already.  
  
Tolkien handed the new comers their pepper spray and _lembas. _ Wonderful, take your seats and we can begin coming and staying. Ladies and gentleman, please stand up and walk a short distance from your elves or other assorted animals.  
  
All of the students stood up and walked a bit. The elfies, dragon, griffin and Gollum inwardly rejoiced that they would be left alone for however short a time.  
  
Turn around to face your elves and call them by name. said Tolkien.  
  
Come here, Bob. said Minnie.  
  
Chris, come on, Chris. said Pandora.  
  
Fred, come. said Audrey.  
  
Spunky, come here, Spunky. said Naheka.  
  
Lexus, come here or else. said Sprite.  
  
Gollum, Preciousssssss wantsessss you to come here. said Amarth.  
  
Joseph Elferson, come here now. said Rubi.  
  
Kevin, I'll give you a piece of _lembas_ if you come. said Elana.  
  
John, tolo! said Erin.  
  
Bramble, please come over here. said Leanne.  
  
Spot, Spot come here Spot. I'll give you a dragon treat. said Michael.  
  
Every single elf, griffin, dragon and Gollum sat right where they were and didn't even twitch.  
  
said Tolkien, It seems they have already mastered out next lesson, staying. This is marvelous. I have never had so advanced a class before.  
  
Tolkien was interrupted by the sound of a bell.  
  
You are all dismissed for lunch. Make sure to return when you hear the bell and keep an eye on you pets. We wouldn't want them causing any trouble while you're not looking. Make sure to be back on time. We will be having a guest speaker and I would not want to disappoint her.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Here you go, Bob said Minnie as she placed a bowl of _lembas_ in front of her elf. Eat up, you need your strength so you can learn lots.  
  
Pretty much the same thing was happening with all other elves and creative pets. The assorted creatures were considering whether it was worth sacrificing their dignity for something to eat.   
  
I don't know if it is worth it, said Fred, I am extremely hungry but eating from a bowl with my name on it just seems so...wrong.  
  
We wants fissssh preciousssss. Not nassssssty elvesessss food. said Gollum.  
  
I know what you mean, said Lexus, Sprite is constantly trying to drag me outside and show me off in front of who knows how many people. I had such a traumatic experience one time that I refuse to go outside unless it's dark.  
  
Grrrrrrrr! Raaaaauuuur. grrrrrrrrr. said Spot, while scarfing down his food.  
  
I don't speak dragon. What did he say? said Chris.  
  
He agrees with us and thinks we should do something. Bramble translated.  
  
I have an Idea! yelled John, jumping up and spilling numerous bowls of _lembas._ Spunky can try to gnaw through the leashes.  
  
Squawk, woof. Grrrrrrrr, Spunky said._  
  
_Translation please. said Joe.  
  
He already tried gnawing through them. It doesn't work. supplied Kevin.  
  
You could try cutting through one leash with another leash, said a new elf, _Mithril_ is the only thing that cuts _Mithril_, you know.  
  
Uhhh, thanks said Bramble, but who are you?  
  
Keep it quiet please. I am hiding from my owner, Hiyami. My name is Lindewila but my she calls me-  
  
screeched a new rabid fangirl as she launched herself at the elf. You are such a good elfie for coming to obedience class all by yourself. She hugged the poor elf and before Lindewila(now referred to as Pinkie) knew it the _mithril_ leash was firmly attached to the post along with all of the others. Hiyami put a little bowl in front of Pinkie and walked over to sit with the other fangirls.  
  
Dude, that sucks. You hid from your fangirl in obedience school. said Fred.  
  
All right, back to escape plans said Joe.  
  
Grrrrrrrrrrrr woof, said Spunky, striking a dramatic pose. Rawr grarrrrr rawk.  
  
He says he's willing to try the leash cutting thing. translated Bob.  
  
Various murmurs and nods of assent came from all of the other pets. Spunky took his leash in his claws and pulled it tight. Then he grabbed Spot's leash(which was still attached to Spot) and yanked it down over his own.  
  
*clink*  
  
Everyone gasped. Spunky was now holding the pieces of his and Spot's leash in his talons.  
  
It took all of .3268497 seconds for the other pets to cut their own leashes.  
  
Ok, we're free. Now what? said Fred.  
  
We escape! yelled Bob.  
  
We have to be careful, though Chris interjected, or they'll just catch us again.  
  
Nassssty fangirlsesssss we hatessss them preciousssss. said Gollum  
  
All right, if we all run at once, they couldn't possibly catch every single pet. said John.  
  
On three we all make a mad dash for the woods that are conveniently placed right there. One. Two. Three!  
  
All of the elves, the dragon, the griffin and Gollum made a mad dash for the woods. Every fangirl sensed some thing was going wrong. They looked over to check on their pets and were met with the sight of them racing into the wilderness.   
  
Unfortunately, for the pets, they hadn't counted on new fangirls magically appearing out of nowhere directly in their path towards the woods.   
  
yelled a new fangirl whose elf was sitting quietly at her side. She brandished her pencil menacingly. or I WILL stick you in some horribly written slash fic, Eru help me.  
  
The elves cowered in fear and the other pets just looked frightened. If the elves could just be randomly stuck in a slash fic, who knows what could be done to the  
non-elves. It took an even shorter amount of time for the pets to retreat back to their food bowls and reattach their leashes than it had taken to get their leashes off.  
  
Audrey walked up to the new girl. Hi, thank you for stopping the pets. We are working on getting them trained.  
  
I know, said the newcomer, that's why I'm here. I took the class with my elfie a while ago and Professor Tolkien asked me to come in and give a demonstration.   
  
I'm Audrey, pleased to meet you.  
  
I'm Kerri and this is Hank.  
  
All of the introductions were made and they were rather long and boring so we will just skip over them. The elves tried to make contact with Hank but he seemed to be completely domesticated. He didn't even tug on his leash.  
  
went the bell. Every fangirl grabbed their pet and dragged them back inside, except for Kerri whose wonderfully well trained elfie walked right at her side. The other pets watched him with a mixture of sympathy that he had turned into nothing more than a brainless pet and horror that they would soon be just like him.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Author's Note: Chapter three! Eglerio an Eru I actually finished this chapter in less than a week. Right, Bride of Legolas, thank you so much for the new phrase. I am sure I will find somewhere to stick it in the next chapter. Oh yes, and I most definitely don't own you and I would be honored to even be mentioned in your story. Everyone else should read Bride of Legolas' story _Be Careful What You Wish For. _ It is really good. I think I now have enough people in the class but if you really want to make an appearance I will see what I can do. Ok, that is all for now, as usual read and review. Flame if you must, I need something to make fun of when I'm bored.


End file.
